Thursday, 29 March 2012

10 Actual Fools Who Were Born in April

10 Actual Fools Who Were Born in April

What do Abraham Maslow, Sergei Rachmaninoff, Gus Grissom, and Billie Holiday have in common? They were all born in April (the first two on April 1st!), and they're decidedly not idiots. For everyone else though, you just can't be too sure. April Fool's Day brings out the best of the best, as flawlessly executed and good-natured pranks that you never saw coming will win the day every time. It also brings out the worst of the worst — there's just something about this time of year that makes idiots seem like mega idiots. With apologies to all you April birthdays, and to those who don't suffer fools well, enjoy these 10 complete losers, in order of their birthdays within the month.

  1. JON GOSSELIN

    Born on April 1, you may have seen the balding reality show dad and general sleaze bag on TLC's Jon and Kate Plus 8. If not, you've certainly seen him in supermarket tabloids.
    Why He's A Fool: Number one with a bullet? He's a reality star — and if you've learned anything sifting through a decade and three TiVos' worth of this lowest common denominator genre (it starts with Survivor or Project Runway; that's where it always starts), it should be that reality television star does not a decent human being make. The plasticized attention seeker split with his wife (speculatively cavorting with a plastic surgeon's daughter) during the filming of a national television show based on his marriage. Bad form and bad strategy, Jon Gosselin.
    Bonus: He once bragged publicly about canoodling with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier on a yacht, proving to all that his priorities and taste preferences are nestled firmly in a white trash can.

  2. EDDIE MURPHY

    You may be kind of over funnyman Eddie Murphy (born April 3rd), but remind yourself of this: the kooky comedian started young. On Saturday Night Live by the age of 19, the talented New Yorker is best known (lately) for his voiceover work in the beloved Shrek movies, as well as the successful reboot of his career. And you really can't help but love a guy that's brought the world 48 Hrs,Beverly Hills Cop, Made in America, and 30 years of laughs.
    Fun Fact: Eddie Murphy often plays several characters in many of his movies, because one of his acting idols is the late, great Peter Sellers (of Dr. Strangelove fame).
    Why He's A Fool: Everyone was excited that Murphy would host the 2012 Oscars, but ultimately resigned because of offenses committed by train-wreck producer Brett Ratner, with whom Murphy has worked closely for years. After Ratner was replaced with sharp producer Brian Grazer, Murphy did not resume his role, instead letting the honor go to a highly Botoxed Billy Crystal (again). And lest ye forget that right before Murphy's aptly named film Holy Man was released in 1997, he was pulled over at 4:45 a.m. with a transvestite prostitute. His wife and kids were out of town, but the star claimed that he was simply trying to be a good Samaritan to (what he thought was) a young woman. Nice cover, Murphy. But what are you doing cruising the area in Santa Monicaknown for tranny prostitution at 4 in the morning when the family is gone? Tsk, tsk. So foolish.

  3. JENNIE GARTH

    "Were you too drunk to notice? What is it these days, Mom? Alcohol? Or are you back on coke?"
    Big ups for Kelly Taylor! She's not an April Fool's baby (Garth was born on April 3rd), but she's a bit of a fool. Everyone's favorite 90210 blond (unless you were more of a "Tori"), Kelly Taylor (a cult favorite and huge pop culture icon, played by Garth) was the "I'm so beautiful and wonderful and sweet that I'm tortured about it" type of California teen.
    Why She's A Fool: Dancing With The Stars? Seriously? Fourth place? Does that even count as finishing? Does that even qualify you to be called a cast member? Why not just lobby for another, better 90210 by showing reruns of the original show in HD and pretending that it's a reboot with a whole new cast? Honestly, though, you should probably like her. Garth is harmless, has a sweet and family-focused public image, and has made a name for herself in the 21st century. While she does get docked "real adult street cred" for being married to a Twilight vampire (Peter Facinelli), the couple jointly announced their divorce on March 12th of this year. She's got class, great kids, and she's cute. The only thing foolish about this one, it seems, might be her future ex-husband. Check out this video of her trying to do something nice for underprivileged children, but kind of sounding stupid and spoiled. (PS: Love you forever, Kelly! XOXO!)

  4. KESHIA KNIGHT PULLIAM

    No one will remember her for being born on April 9th, but everyone will remember her for being Rudy Huxtable. One of the cutest (and most talented) child stars of all time, Pulliam has been back in the spotlight as an adult, performing in rap videos and on reality TV.
    Why She's A Fool: You are a national treasure, Rudy Huxtable. But you're not so great with the 21st century role pickings. Madea Goes To Jail? Did anybody see that? You're smart and beautiful, and everyone in America knows who you are so why on Earth would you choose to be in a Chingy video? Chingy? Really? Not Jay-Z? Not Kanye? Not a nation-wide speaking tour alongside your friend and TV dad Bill Cosby? And what's the thing with old celebrities and reality shows? They seem to want to keep reminding us that they still exist, and that they're willing to take grossly underpaid roles on Fear Factor (big ups for winning it in 2002, by the way). You've got a huge fan base, Ms. Pulliam. You don't need to be on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Feel free to use your name recognition for good, and not gross. The world is watching.
    Bonus: Check out this cute interview with the child star (below), where she details her desire to be a doctor, an actress, and, if she has time, a pilot.

  5. VINCE GILL

    The 27-time Grammy winning country crooner was born on April 10th, and he was absolutely born to sing. He's sold more than 22 million albums worldwide.
    Why He's A Fool: Honestly, there's not much here. Don't like his voice? Don't like country music? Though there is something seemingly laughable about his persona, it is hard to put a finger on it. And there's no denying that the man has done well for himself. Legend has it that the crooner was offered a spot in the Dire Straits, but declined. Can't say it's been bad for his career, though.

  6. STEVEN SEAGAL

    Born on April 10, aikido master and movie star Steven Seagal is exactly no one's celebrity crush. What he is, though, is a multi-talented, many-faceted man with a recognizable face and an unrecognizable brand. Well, that's one way of putting it.
    Why He's A Fool: Let's just start with the album Crystal Castles — not to mention his filmography, his straight-to-video work (there's more than you think), and his sheriff-style reality show, aptly titled Steven Seagal: Lawman. And let's move on to this video of every bone he's ever (cinematically) broken (below), his hilariously designed website, and his third studio album, which will be out (fingers crossed, everyone!) sometime this year.

  7. SUGE KNIGHT

    He was born April 19, just a day shy of what would be considered, in his line of work, glory. The former CEO and founder of Death Row Records, he's also the guy that (allegedly) dangled Vanilla Ice over a 20th story balcony and got him to sign over the royalties to Ice, Ice Baby to him.
    Why He's A Fool: He's long been accused of being involved in the murder of rapping great Notorious B.I.G., and there's speculation that he was involved in the murder of Biggie's west coast rival, Tupac. The Compton native and former Rams footballer was also the victim of many a rap smackdown, most notably Snoop Dogg's Pimp Slapp'd. And he's got a different kind of rap (this time of the "sheet" variety) a mile long. He's been arrested for drug possession (most recently in February of 2012 in Las Vegas), aggravated assault (in a strip club), and parole violation, and seems to constantly be in trouble with the police. Additionally, he was shot in 2005 at a Miami party for Kanye West, and, years later, sued the rapper over a missing earring. His office's windows were also the victim of gunfire in 2003. Although he's loud, proud, and a former mogul, there's no way to sugarcoat it: the Knight is a Grade-A fool.

  8. ADOLF HITLER

    Probably the world's biggest fool (inasmuch as evil is foolish, and he's one of world history's greatest examples), the dictator, born on April 20, shares his birthday with many an event. Hitler's birthday is also lovingly referred to asEeyore's birthday, the day in 1939 that Billie Holiday recorded hauntingly beautiful (first-ever) civil rights ballad "Strange Fruit," the day of the 1999 Columbine high school shooting, and the day that Apollo 16 astronauts John Young and Charles Duke gloriously walked on the surface of the moon.
    Why He's A Fool: Anti-Semitism, for one thing. Being the Dark Lord of the Third Reich and causing an entire World War over lust for power and blind, idiotic hatred and intolerance, maybe second. Being a fascist, third. The Holocaust? That'll obviously make the list. Also, apparently he lost to Darth Vader in a rap battle. Check out the video, below.

  9. VLADMIR ILLYCH LENIN

    What is it with the megalomaniacal (looking at you, Jon Gosselin and Hitler) and this time of year? Born on April 22, 1870, the revolutionary icon led the Bolsheviks and developed a pragmatic Soviet Communism.
    Bonus: Lenin's arguably most revolutionary work, written as a call to committed Marxist-Leninist action for the Bolsheviks and in response to the "bourgeois" February Revolution, is called the April Theses. Years later, in 1922, his April birthday was the day that a doctor removed a bullet in his neck. He had been the victim of an assassination attempt years earlier.
    Why He's A Fool: Communism! The Red Terror! Kidding, kidding. Lenin's certainly no idiot. Writing more than 30 philosophical treatises while in exile in Siberia, he led a revolution, governed, and shaped the Russian Civil War. Not to mention helped to define the next century of Russian politico-economics. The most foolish thing about Lenin is the fact that he forwent most close personal attachments in the name of his philosophy. C'mon, man. You gotta have friends.

  10. TIONEE "T-BOZ" WATKINS

    We don't want no scrubs, and we certainly don't want to go chasing waterfalls. So who better to follow two world leaders on this list than T-Boz? Nobody, that's who. The Belly actress and member of the legendary girl group TLC was born on April 26th.
    Why She's A Fool: Despite being crazy, sexy, and cool, the '90s holdover star has been embroiled in financial troubles — filing for bankruptcy protection (and not for the first time) in November 2011. She was also embarrassingly "fired" from Celebrity Apprentice, when Donald Trump expressed disappointment in her willingness to re-enter the boardroom with the line, "Never volunteer for an execution."


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